Where's the Prozac when you need it?!!!

"Write the vision and make it plain on tablets that he may run who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time. but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it...;" Habakkuk 2: 2-3

I had envisioned writing a different post last week than the one I'm about to write. I knew from all the people who have gone before us that international adoption would not be for the feint at heart. (And maybe domestic isn't either--I just have zero experience in that). I think in the back of my mind a little part of me was saying, "Yeah, but that's not going to be our story. We're going to have smooth sailing all the way through--it will be amazing." Foolishly I forgot to remember that satan tries to do everything he can to derail us and wipe out the blessings that are ours to be had--and he will if we let him. I love 1 John 4:4 "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world"--so I know we are over comers--no matter what mud and stones satan throws in our faces.

So the mud we got slung at us this month was with our first official referral from MOE. Last week we got the picture and medical abstract on a beautiful baby boy. We contacted two different adoption doctors, Dr. Davies and Dr. Skurkovich, whom I would highly recommend. Both suggested getting some additional medical information based on what seemed some contradictory findings in the medical report, but neither were terribly concerned as the odds were 95% in our favor as long as this little piece of confusion could be cleared up. We are so thankful that we got the information the IA doctors requested before we traveled because in between the time the medical abstract was written up and our visit with the IA doctors, additional tests had been performed on the little boy, and we got that information forwarded to us this week. Needless to say we did not feel like we could accept this referral. I think the fact that we have 2 girls already at our house and having to think about their well being and our responsibility to them as well must be included in our decision. I have often thought that if we had no children in our home that we might have looked differently at our decision.

I realized that my decision not to install the Prozac dispenser in the kitchen might have been a bit on the hasty side when on Monday we got the additional medical info. The tests our IA doctors had recommended had already been done in Russia without us asking and they were not good; I knew that even before I forwarded the info to the IA doctors. We were given some additional information on the birth mother and I just broke down crying in anger, disbelief, and sadness. I just wanted to get on a plane and sweep him out of there. In all reality, God was with us through out this. (1) We had chosen two IA doctors who asked for specific follow up questions (2) We did get the information before we spent thousands of dollars flying over there. Those of you who travel blind--I truly stand in awe! (3) Our agency was very proactive in getting us the requested information.

I heard God tell me early one morning this week while I was praying, "Either you believe My word, or you don't." It's as black and white as that. I was quickly reminded of Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." When Doug and I started this process, we confessed several things over our adoption. Doug reminded me of that, and this huge burden of guilt was lifted off my shoulders. And then yesterday morning, even before we got the 100% certain news, Habakkuk 2: 2-3 was brought to my attention. Yesterday afternoon however, my heart was heavy with sadness as I said goodbye to this beautiful baby boy. I felt like I had attended a funeral before it was all said and done. I notified the IA doctors of our decision, took down his picture that I had been looking at daily for the last 9 days, and filled out some necessary paperwork. I know there is a family out there who is not only equipped to handle his health issues but willingly welcomes them, and I pray it will be a realization for him soon. I know he could use your prayers as well. (By the way, I told our case worker that this process could be made a bit easier if we didn't get the photo until afterwards...)

So where does that leave us? First, with faith we know that God is orchestrating the events and timing for the boy who will become a member of our family. Second, this was an official referral from MOE, so we have to have a refusal letter notarized and apostilled and sent to Russia before we can receive another child. That will be put in the mail to Austin today. The regional operator for our region is on vacation until the last week of November, so we won't be expecting anything until December. What that means for you is you'll have to endure some more Russian 101 to fill the time.

On a positive note, I have a beautiful niece who was born Monday! (Not to imply that my riveting dissertations on Russian culture and history are not the greatest things since sliced bread...)