Baby Revisited

I know many of you couldn't wait to turn on your computers today and find out what Russian tidbit you were going to learn today, but today's entry will be a break in the Russian 101. I began this blog in an effort to help/bless/inform other PAPs in the international adoption process; with that I have tried to be transparent with what the "real" side of a Russian adoption entails--at least for us.

Honestly, there are days/moments that I ask myself if I really want to go through with this adoption. The whole international adoption ride is daunting--from the $40,000 price tag to the time spent in a foreign country to all of the unknowns--but so is going back into the baby mindset--the real side of life after the adoption is complete. Maybe it's my age, but it came to a forefront when I was sorting things for our garage sales (note the plural!) I put baby things in the sale that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't need--pink hooded towels, extra crib mattress, nursing pillow [free information for anyone pregnant here: My Breast Friend nursing pillow is hands down the BEST nursing pillow you will ever use--the Boppy doesn't bop in my opinion!], etc. I didn't end up with very much baby stuff in the sales quite frankly. I realized that I was going to need to keep the majority of everything I had--the high chair, the swing, the Diaper Champ (even though I've read that the orphanages start potty training as soon as they can sit up I don't really know what that means as far as skills achieved, so I'm keeping it), the baby gates, and the list goes on. It was overwhelming as I was sifting through all the baby tubs I had stored and realizing that I was going to need that and that and that again. I guess where I'm getting at is I was asking myself, "Am I ready to do the baby thing again???"

My girls, 6 and soon to be 4, are quite "independent." They can brush their teeth (sort of), pick up their own toys--Annsley without the fanfare, Kennedi does awesome if there is a "race", they can unload the silverware from the dishwasher, and they play by themselves which affords me snapshots of free time throughout the day. I have no baby gates to step over, no money going to diapers and diaper rash cream, and I get to sleep through the night. This morning I have had to deal with them dipping blocks into my Scentsy candle wax to make "butter" to take on their imaginary camping trip.

Before I was pregnant with Annsley, I had a friend who said something to Doug and me about having babies. She and her husband were contemplating having their 4th child, and she said that she thought it was better to have them close enough together so you could stay in "baby mode." I see her point now. Annsley was only 2 when Kennedi was born, so we were still using so much of the baby items that I didn't think twice about having to get the swing back out, etc. And I would like to point out that these feelings would be here if I were pregnant as well.

A few nights ago, I was reading to Kennedi and singing her bedtime songs, and I just broke down crying as I realized that there was probably no one doing that for the hundreds of thousands of boys and girls in Russian orphanages--let alone for my baby boy over there. Kennedi asked why I was crying and I told her. She said, "Momma, are you goin to rock my baby buther?" I said yes, and she nodded and replied, "He like that!"

Yes, Kennedi, but more than that, he needs that and deserves that. I will put my selfish side on the shelf for now, knowing that God called us to this adoption. He will/has already provided everything we need for this journey--and that includes curtailing my doubts about desiring to "go back in time." I love how He provides for us the opportune moment to come back to His will if we will just be open enough to hear His voice. It is a choice I make today to welcome the high chair that takes up too much space in my kitchen, to embrace putting together the changing table again, and to relish all the squeaker and musical toys that will be crowding my living room floor again. Our immense assignment is so much bigger than us receiving a blessing. We are bringing a little boy into a country where he will be free to dream, food on his plate will not ever be a concern, and he will receive all the love he can contain from his new mommy and daddy, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas. And yes, when I get over myself enough, I know that for him to have the opportunity to experience rocking, singing, and praying in a loving parent's arms for just one night of his life will be worth dealing with all the baby stuff once again.

This journey is so much bigger than just us. Please continue to be in prayer for us, our little boy, the adoption climate in Russia, the orphanage workers and doctors, and our adoption agency.