Simple but Powerful

I knew I was supposed to feel love for this little boy. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t understand why I didn’t. I didn’t understand why I was resentful of him—why I was angry at him. It was such a different experience than from my girls. I would have walked throught fire the minute I laid eyes on them. With Andrei, I was just hoping I'd remember that he was in the shopping cart before I drove off. The guilt I felt was so suppressing, and I had absolutely no idea how to fix it.

God orchestrates events in our lives; I know that. And what He arranged about 6 weeks into this living hell started my healing. A friend of ours attends Church on the Move in Tulsa, and he sent Doug a recording of one of Willie George’s sermons to listen to. I cannot tell you what the sermon was about, but Willie George said something in there that I knew was meant for me. He was talking about love, and how we are called to love, and how we are to love the unloveable. We aren’t suppose to weasel out of it because according to 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Love comes from God. I didn’t have to manufacture it. He would give me His love to love Andrei. Oh, the burden that was lifted that evening! Relief flooded every part of my body that night. I began confessing out loud every time I rocked Andrei, “Thank you God for giving me a heart that overflows with love for this child.” Some nights I was saying it with clenched teeth. I didn’t “feel” like I loved him anymore than I did three weeks ago, but I also knew it said in the Bible that we are to call things that do not exist as though they did. When Abram’s name was changed to Abraham, it was many many years of being called the father of many nations before it manifested with Isaac. (Romans 4:16-22)

Satan uses scripture for his benefit. He’s the master of deceit and lies, and he wants nothing less than to destroy us. He was having a hay day with me. He reminded me of 1 John 4:11, Matthew 22:39, 1 Corinthians 13:13, John 15:12 among others. For sake of space, all of these scriptures tell us that we are to love. Period. I was allowing satan to create another vicious cycle by using scripture to condemn me since I was obviously not making the cut in this department of love, and in all reality he was kicking my rear all over the place-- until I heard Willie George. I find it interesting that the little slimy snake didn’t bring up 2Timothy 1:7 to me. I just hung on to that verse. It became my mantra. Every time I would feel the frustrated feelings well up when he screamed or hit, I would say that verse out loud. I would thank God for the spirit of love He gave me—even though I didn’t feel any differently.

The other thing that I credit towards my healing was prayer. Ken and Trudi Blount were guest speakers at our church (they have wonderful family and children resources). At the end of the service, we were invited to go up for prayer. I went, and I just began weeping. Uncontrollable sobbing. Waterworks Central. Ken prayed over me. And then Trudi followed up behind him. I was still sobbing. She walked away, and then she came back, put her hand on my forehead and simply commanded, “Peace.” She started to walk off again, came back, repeated it again. She did that three times before she moved on to the next person.

I was never the same after that. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a changed human over night; it was more like in little waves. I'm still a work in progress. The most important thing was that I could start to see was that it was going to get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow—but I could actually picture the day when this would all seem like a million years ago. Before I just felt like I was trapped in a barrel with a lid that had been welded shut. My road to recovery isn’t fancy; it’s not ostentatious—just one little Bible verse and the word peace-- really, after such emotional theatrics after bringing Andrei home, one would think that it would take something equally as compelling to turn the boat around. My "prescription" seems rather lame I’m sure to some. But this is my story. It's what worked for me and with my God all you need is a grain of mustard seed for Him to work wonders. I thank Him for restoring me. I thank Him for reminding me that I am His child. I thank Him for being Holy, and My Provider, and My Healer, and today, My Deliverer out of this pit of destruction.